Chapter 5 - The Backpack at Grandma's House.Ruth did not take the backpack.
Cole would not allow it.
That decision created the first real argument Ben had ever witnessed between his father and grandmother.
Cole hated himself for letting it happen.
“You are not taking his things.”
Ruth folded her arms.
“They're pajamas.”
“They're his leaving bag.”
Ruth looked confused.
Maggie closed her eyes.
Cole realized Ruth had not known.
Ben stood between them holding the backpack against his chest.
Ruth crouched.
“Sweetheart, why did you pack this?”
Ben shrugged.
Nobody spoke.
Ruth touched the zipper.
“Were you going somewhere?”
Ben looked at Cole.
“Maybe.”
Cole knelt.
“Where?”
Ben looked down.
“Somewhere first.”
Cole felt the words before he understood them.
“First?”
Ben nodded.
“If I go first, then I don't wait.”
Ruth covered her mouth.
Maggie turned away.
Cole's eyes burned.
He took the backpack slowly.
“Buddy, you don't have to go anywhere.”
“But you do.”
Cole shook his head.
“Not today.”
Ben's face tightened.
“Tomorrow?”
The question was becoming a weapon without the boy knowing it.
Cole could not promise what he did not yet know.
His phone contained messages from Evan.
Northstar wanted an answer in forty-eight hours.
The company had less cash than Cole realized.
The failed Chicago meeting had triggered concerns among two other clients.
Selling could protect fifty-three employees.
Refusing could put everything at risk.
Cole looked at his son.
“I don't know about tomorrow.”
Ben's eyes filled.
Ruth stood.
“There.”
Cole looked at her sharply.
“Not now.”
“That is exactly what I mean.”
“Ruth.”
“You don't know where you'll be tomorrow.”
“I run a national company.”
“And he is four.”
Cole stood.
Maggie stepped between them.
“Stop.”
Both adults looked at her.
Maggie's voice was calm but firm.
“This isn't helping him.”
Ben was crying silently.
Cole immediately crouched again.
“Hey.”
Ben wiped his face angrily.
“I want Mommy.”
The room went completely silent.
Cole had no answer.
Ruth's face crumpled.
Maggie knelt beside Ben.
“I know.”
Ben pushed away from everyone and ran upstairs.
Cole started after him.
Maggie grabbed his wrist.
“Give him ten seconds.”
“Why?”
“Because right now you're upset too.”
“He needs me.”
“Yes.”
She released him.
“So go up there as his father, not as a man trying to fix a problem.”
Cole stared at her.
That distinction hurt.
After ten seconds, he went upstairs.
Ben was inside his bedroom.
The crib suddenly looked wrong.
Too small.
Too confining.
Cole found him in the closet.
He was sitting behind hanging shirts.
His stuffed bear was pressed against his chest.
Cole sat on the floor outside the closet.
He did not reach for him.
He did not ask him to come out.
For a while, they just sat.
Finally Cole spoke.
“I miss Mommy too.”
Ben sniffed.
“You don't cry.”
Cole stared at the carpet.
“Sometimes I do.”
“I don't see.”
“No.”
Cole swallowed.
“I don't let people see.”
Ben looked at him from behind the shirts.
“Why?”
Cole thought carefully.
“Because I thought being strong meant nobody saw when I was sad.”
Ben frowned.
“That's dumb.”
Cole laughed unexpectedly.
“Yeah.”
“It kind of is.”
Ben crawled closer.
“Did Mommy leave?”
The question stopped Cole's breathing.
“No.”
“She went away.”
“She got very sick.”
“And didn't come back.”
Cole closed his eyes briefly.
“No.”
Ben's voice became smaller.
“You go away.”
Cole finally understood.
Not intellectually.
Emotionally.
Every airport departure.
Every hotel.
Every emergency call.
Every dark bedroom where Ben woke and found only Maggie.
They were not separate things in his son's mind.
They were rehearsals for another loss.
Cole moved closer.
“When Mommy got sick, none of us chose that.”
Ben listened.
“When I go to work, I do choose to leave the house.”
Ben looked frightened.
Cole continued.
“But I can make different choices.”
“What choices?”
Cole exhaled.
“I can tell you when I'm leaving.”
“I can tell you when I'm coming back.”
“I can call you.”
“I can be here more.”
Ben watched him carefully.
“And tomorrow?”
Cole smiled sadly.
“Tomorrow I'm taking you to preschool.”
Ben's eyes widened.
“You?”
“Me.”
“You don't know where it is.”
Cole almost protested.
Then realized Ben was right.
“I know the general area.”
Ben smiled for the first time.
“You'll get lost.”
“Probably.”
Ben crawled out of the closet.
Cole opened his arms.
Ben entered them.
Cole held him tightly.
Downstairs, Maggie picked up the backpack.
Something fell from the front pocket.
A folded piece of paper.
She opened it.
It was not one of Ben's drawings.
It was a note in Natalie's handwriting.
Maggie recognized it instantly.
Across the front, Natalie had written three words.
For Cole someday.
Maggie stared at the staircase.
May you like
She had never seen the letter before.
And she had no idea how Ben had found it.
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